Lifestyles of the Pockmarked and Famous....

Last week was probably the strangest in my Life as a Writer thus far. I had two photo shoots in a row. And I'm not talkin' about in no plastic cup. I'm talkin' about make-up artists, wardrobe, elaborate set pieces, the whole nine yards. Wednesday I was dressed, for unfathomable reasons, as the girl in the pearl earring - it took the efforts of three wardrobe professionals to get my head properly wrapped. Then I rolled on my back on this mechanic's slide deal and stuck my head through a cut-out hole where the face of this elaborately created woman-o-fruit's face would be. The rest of that day I spent with my hand up a turkey's ass. The turkey was real, but it was surrounded by fake ice that was made out of some truly nasty jello stuff.

On Thursday I shot a series of photos about An Ordinary Woman Cooking, for an article I'm writing. In a studio kitchen. In Williamsburg. With a totally hip Williamsburg wardrobe and professional makeup. And all the food made by a food stylist. The same food stylist, as it turns out, who had built the woman of fruit the day before. I'd also met the make-up person before. When I got my picture taken with lobsters for Reader's Digest. (Reader's Digest??!!!!) Her name is Renee, she has pink hair, she's very nice.

But, just so you know I'm keeping it real: stressed out because of the photo shoot, and because of all these articles I'm totally behind in writing, and because of personal issues which are none of your business, thank you very much, I broke out in the most hideous cold sore I've had in a long, hideous history of cold sores. This one popped up at the corner of my mouth and spread very nearly to my chin. I look like a leper. As one of my several make-up artists sighed, "Thank God for Photoshop." I suppose she should know.

As you guys know, I have a history with this stuff. Given that history, I imagine that when the book starts I'm going to spontaneously lose a leg or something.....