Turn-offs: Olive Garden, Suffrage. Turn-ons: Ball gags, Cattle Prods.

Oh, Caitlin Flanagan,bless your pervy little heart.

Some folks are all bent out of shape over you. They think your obnoxious stay-at-home-mom, anti-feminist stance is particularly out-of-touch and hypocritical, seeing as how you're a well-off and well-known writer for the New Yorker who has quite possibly never had to clean a stove. (I say, while the tumor in my lungs that I incurred scrubbing the hideous appliance in our old apartment yesterday slowly grows....)

These people are sooo square. Anyone with a kinky bone in their body can see, watching this video of you on the Colbert Report, that you are into The Scene, hardcore. Watching the way you talk about how "wives" should stay pregnant, naked and in the kitchen, I can just hear how much you wish you were wearing that studded choke collar right now. When you claim to be a "safety first girl," I find myself fantasizing about what you and your husband use as your safeword? Is it "All-Clad"? "Swiffer"? "Au Pair"?

It's challenge enough to live in a 24/7 BDSM relationship... but to go very nearly public with it? That takes the kind of guts only a truly pain-loving bottom has... I applaud you, Caitlin, and hope that your Master rewards you appropriately...