Turn-offs: Olive Garden, Suffrage. Turn-ons: Ball gags, Cattle Prods.

Oh, Caitlin Flanagan,bless your pervy little heart.

Some folks are all bent out of shape over you. They think your obnoxious stay-at-home-mom, anti-feminist stance is particularly out-of-touch and hypocritical, seeing as how you're a well-off and well-known writer for the New Yorker who has quite possibly never had to clean a stove. (I say, while the tumor in my lungs that I incurred scrubbing the hideous appliance in our old apartment yesterday slowly grows....)

These people are sooo square. Anyone with a kinky bone in their body can see, watching this video of you on the Colbert Report, that you are into The Scene, hardcore. Watching the way you talk about how "wives" should stay pregnant, naked and in the kitchen, I can just hear how much you wish you were wearing that studded choke collar right now. When you claim to be a "safety first girl," I find myself fantasizing about what you and your husband use as your safeword? Is it "All-Clad"? "Swiffer"? "Au Pair"?

It's challenge enough to live in a 24/7 BDSM relationship... but to go very nearly public with it? That takes the kind of guts only a truly pain-loving bottom has... I applaud you, Caitlin, and hope that your Master rewards you appropriately...

BROKEBACK SCANDAL: AN INVESTIGATIVE REPORT

It was discovered last night, over a dinner of cannellini beans and sausage, that the theme of "Brokeback Mountain" is a TOTAL FUCKING RIP-OFF. The first three chords are taken DIRECTLY from the first three chords of Kasey Chambers' song "Mother." This is not a coincidence, it is not an accident, it's PLAGIARISM. It's like Gustavo what's-his-name SAMPLED it. I'm so not even kidding.

I wish I knew how to do this blog stuff, I would put the two songs side by side for you to hear. It's creepy.

Also, am I alone in picturing Michael J. Fox every time I hear that fucking song?

BREAKING: Grievously Lame Blogger Wins Bloggish Award

So how many hours late am I with this exactly? It's utterly pathetic. But, yes, it turns out I won the first-ever Blooker Prize, which is a prize for books based on blogs. It's super amazing, and I'm a little sheepish about it, because of course I'm a wretched blogger. But oh well, that $2,000 is another month I can stay in my ridiculously expensive apartment....

...WHICH, by the way, you may be able to see this evening on BBC World News. They're coming here in, let's see, just over an hour. If you tune in, you'll get to see my fantastic new digs, and maybe my dog!